So, last night Julia was in the garage, hunting something, and I hear her scream.
Run out there and there's a wolf spider, easy as big as a saucer, right there by the door. The puppies go for it, I grab them in one hand, the bug spray in the other and...
Sprayer is stuck.
So, Julia (who is on crutches still) is screaming, my dogs are barking, I'm cussing and fighting with the spray. My sister, who is visiting, grabs a shoe, heads out, stops, looks and goes, "Shit, this isn't going to work. I need a bigger shoe."
Come to find out that 1. I have the biggest feet and 2. the spider is growing, second by second.
I, calmly, not hyperventilating or laughing AT ALL, explain all this. Kristi nods, smiles, and says, "I got this."
Then she grabs a ladder and starts swinging the ladder at the spider.
At the spider.
Which isn't getting any smaller, btw.
I'm laughing now, in that, omg, I'm going to pee myself sort of way. Julia's threatening to kill us both. My sister has one shoe on, one shoe off, and she's chasing the spider with the ladder like some wild, newly tattooed Powerpuff Redneck girl.
In between the banging and crashing, I hear a crunch and a squish, then Julia sprints back into the house (like Santa's reindeer on crutches, y'all, we're talking gazelle graceful) and my sister screams, "BUG SPRAY!"
Did you know wolf spiders carry their babies on their backs?
Like by the hundreds?
Yeah, us either.
So, we break the bottle of bug spray and proceed to drown about fifty million baby spiders while the hound dogs howled, Julia sobbed and threw things at us for laughing.
Then we made german chocolate cake. A big one. And we ate it.
With whipped cream.
I cleaned it up this morning.
A whole dustpan fill of crunch spider bits.
I asked Julia if she wanted to see.
She said no.
Because sometimes fistfights are foreplay.