I'm feeling all secretive and sneaky -- did you ever have those days when you want to ditch it all and be a secret agent? But then I remember that I don't like to travel all that much, and I live in a very small town, so discovering international intrigue and mystery is going to be a little tricky.
Create a User Name.
"Hmmm." What should he call himself? A quick scan of the other user names on the site returned a range of options. There were the meaningless names, the MxxxJZ and the 12wde. There were conceited names -- SuperStud -- and those that walked a thin line between the incomprehensible and the terrifying, names like Painbacon. "Damn! And I was gonna call myself Pain Prosciutto," he joked, half forgetting his surroundings.
Then he leaned forward and hit a few keys: TheGMan.
The computer blinked at him for a moment, leaving Graham afraid that he'd violated some obscure Homeland Security rule with his user name choice. All he needed was the Feds kicking down the office door, looking for a terror suspect lurking in the heart of the actuarial office. He was just about to shut the system down when the message changed.
Tell us your secrets, TheGMan.
Nobody knows the truth about me, Graham typed. I don't know how I could ever tell anyone: I'd lose my job. I'd lose my friends. I'd lose my family.
He hit the backspace key hard. "That makes me sound like a freaking pedophile," he muttered under his breath. Getting started was harder than he expected.
If you saw me, you'd never suspect what kind of person I am.I look like I'm in control, but nothing could be further than the truth.
Right now, I'm holding it together. But I need somebody. Somebody to step into my life and take control of me.
Delete, delete, delete. "And that sucks."
I'm laying awake at night, thinking and wishing and dreaming about a guy. I don't know who he is, and I don't know how I'm going to find him -- or even if he really exists.
But I know what I want him to do to me. That's my secret.
Graham took a long, shuddering breath. This was the closest he'd been to his truth in a long, long time.
I want a man. That's kind of a secret in itself, because nobody knows I'm gay. I think they just think I'm a nerd. Or they don't care.
Ok, that was secret number one. Now, Graham thought, it was time for the hard stuff.
This man knows me -- but I don't know him. I can't even see him, in most of my dreams. He's a strong man, a dominant man. His voice is all smoke and gravel and control. It fits him perfectly.
He's a man who will see me and want me and take me as his own. He'll see through the pretense of control and step in and take charge of me. He knows that I don't know what I'm doing and will make me learn. Who has no problem putting his hands on me, without my permission because he knows I need this. He tells me what to do, and I do it, because there's no way that I can't obey him.
It's not rape I'm looking for. It's control. It's dominance. I want to hear the commands in my ear. I want to feel the hands on me, possessive. Strong. Demanding. I want him to take me.
I want him to own me. Is he a master, an owner, a possessor? I don't know. He's someone to belong to, for a few minutes, for an hour, maybe forever.
In my dreams, I don't see him. I don't know him. That doesn't matter. I want to surrender to the mystery. To the darkness. To submit for the sake of submitting, to go down on my knees for a stranger, to offer my ass to the unknown.
He knows this. He wants to push me into submission, to see how far he can go. But he doesn't want to hurt me. Not permanently.
But I don't know how to start. Where do you find someone like this? It's not the type of thing you can ask for. "Please dominate me?" That eliminates the essential element of domination -- that he's seen me and claimed me, knowing what I am without me advertising it. I just wish this man would appear out of nowhere and take me.
If only someone would just put their hands on me…
Graham swallowed. That was it, the short and sweet version of his dreams, condensed into a few paragraphs. The whole set of thoughts that would wake him from a sound sleep night after night after night, desperately clutching at himself. For anyone to read. For everyone to read.
Click here to share your secret.
Graham's finger hovered over the mouse button for a long, long moment. He stared at his words, at his most secret of secrets.
Then he clicked.
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